Little Road and Denton: More Fantasy Traffic With Alicia Roberts

Gayle Guyardo: Now, let’s go to Alicia Roberts for a report on this morning’s traffic. How are things moving this morning, Alicia?
Alicia: So far, so good, Gayle. That earlier accident on the Howard Frankland has been cleared and traffic’s moving along two-seventy-five both ways without delay. There seems to be a major build-up up in Pasco on southbound Little Road at the intersection of Little and Denton. For a live report, let’s go to Copter Cal. Cal, I guess we can blame the tie-up on that malfunctioning traffic light we’ve been reporting on for the past several weeks.
Cal: Good morning, Alicia. (whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup) You’re right about the location of the build-up, but I’ve been informed that the traffic light in question is not malfunctioning as we have been reporting.
Alicia: Not malfunctioning? Then, what’s the problem, Cal?
Cal: Well, I was informed via email by Robert W. Reck, Traffic Operations Manager, Pasco County Traffic Operations Division that the traffic light in not malfunctioning. What is malfunctioning is a sensor. I presume he’s referring to a switch that’s triggered when a car rolls over it.
Alicia: Sounds like he’s splitting hairs.
Cal: Yes, Alicia, I’m with you on that. Traffic is being screwed up by something that’s broken. Still, he was adamant about it, so I thought I’d acknowledge his clarification.
Alicia: Well, I’m sure that brings comfort to those southbound drivers who have to sit and wait for the phantom cars that are turning onto westbound Denton.
Cal: (whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup) Do you really think so, Alicia?
Alicia: NOT!
Cal: One more thing, Reck also informed me that the County has a contractor who does their sensor work and that the faulty sensor has been added to his to-do list.
Alicia: Any idea when we can expect a repair?
Cal: No, but with traffic now backed up all the way to 19, I’m sure Pasco’s drivers are hoping it’s real soon.
Alicia: Thanks for the report, Cal. Gayle.

Florida’s US Senate Seat: Vote for Ace

I, Michael J. “Ace” Toscano, am now throwing my hat into the ring for the U.S. Senate seat vacated by the Republican Mel Martinez. I know Governor Charlie Crist is already on record as a candidate for this seat, but, let’s face it, he’s a “politician” and guilty of all the offenses to humanity and common decency that that word implies.

Me? I’m free of all party affiliations, though I must confess that in the last Presidential campaign I contributed to McCain, Hillary Clinton and Ralph Nader. I was trying to hedge my bets and wound up losing anyway. Go figure.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with a whole list of things I stand for, mainly, because I don’t stand for much. I will take care of my friends. You can count on that. This includes facebook friends, myspace friends, high school friends, poolroom friends, people I met in line at the 7-11, and folks like that.

My main focus is going to be on eliminating health-care benefits for all members of the House and Senate. Why should the taxpayers foot the bill for a bunch of ass-wipes who couldn’t care less about the health-care of their constituents? It makes no sense. Let them scramble for health insurance just like everyone else.

Wars? I believe we should send our kids to war only when they are given the opportunity to fight alongside Sasha and Malia Obama, as well as Joseph, Ashley and Robert Biden. Add to that list all the children of all our dear legislators. Otherwise, it’s a no go. I mean, if their snobby children are too precious to go to war, SO ARE YOURS!

My platform is ever-evolving, but my principles are steadfast. I’m going to look out for you. You can bet your ass nobody else will.

BTW, I won’t be on the ballot – that’s too much friggin’ trouble – so you’ll have to write me in. Bring a pen.

Tiger Woods: Now, He’s Human

Whoduhthunkit – Tiger’s human. And, come to find out, stupid, too.

Of course, this is no surprise to me since I’ve been trying to convince my friends of this for some time. My contention was and is that Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods was a user of performance enhancing drugs, a/k/a steroids. “No, not Tiger,” my Woods worshipping pals would declare. “He would never cheat!”

Blah blah blah… We all know now that that is not the case – he’ll cheat and he’ll cheat again. What makes it worse, now that we know his first response when confronted with the unflattering truth is to lie, he swore time and time again that he did not use performance enhancers. We have to be skeptical here. Add to this the amazing coincidence that he decided to pull the plug on the 2008 season just one week before regular testing was to be implemented. That “bad knee” business that enabled him to play all year up to that point was a pretty convenient excuse for dropping out of sight and cleaning up those vital fluids.

I know there are a lot of golf fans out there who prefer to think of El Tigre as just another Superman. But, if you ask me, he’s only human.

Genius At Work: Spring Training Countdown

What do Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Copernicus and Galileo have in common… besides the fact that they are all geniuses? That’s right, they come from New Jersey. It must be something in the water supply that makes The Garden State breeding grounds for brainiacs. Even I once boasted an IQ of 165 and I can hardly tie my shoes.

Now, you can add my friend Rob Barth, who grew up drinking that same water, to the list of notable brain children. The head honcho at Barth and Co designs, he is well known for a multitude of musical and artistic ventures. You may remember his recent Parkway Johnny series.

He has, now, made another stride toward immortality. An avid MLB baseball fan, himself, he understands well the plight of other diehards who may suffer bouts of depression once the World Series and the subsequent award announcements bring the baseball season to a dead end. He brings them hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, with a website that can only bring golden sunlight to their darkest hours. This is Rob Barth’s crowning achievement: The Spring Training Countdown. Check it out, now. Bookmark it. Send the link to all your baseball loving friends.

Books for Children: The Gift of Reading

Toys are nice for their impact value and their instant appeal, but soon they lay discarded in the corner gathering dust. But a book, the gift of reading, is something that will enrich a child’s life and carry with it benefits and joys that will last a lifetime. Personally, reading helped get me through a difficult childhood. Many a night, having been beaten by my old man, tears not yet dried, I’d curl up in bed and lose myself between the covers of a book. All my subsequent success as a student was linked to my ability as a reader. Besides, to this day, reading brings me peace and comfort.

But, what do I know? I thought I’d see what others had to say about reading:

"Children are made readers on the laps of their parents."
~ Emilie Buchwald

"Reading aloud with children is known to be the single most important activity for building the knowledge and skills they will eventually require for learning to read."
~ Marilyn Jager Adams

"There are many little ways to enlarge your child's world. Love of books is the best of all."
~ Jacqueline Kennedy

"Oh, magic hour, when a child first knows she can read printed words!"
~ A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, 1943

"There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate's loot on Treasure Island."
~ Walt Disney

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more you learn, the more places you'll go."
~ Dr. Seuss, "I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!"

"There is no substitute for books in the life of a child."
~ Mary Ellen Chase

"Any book that helps a child to form a habit of reading, to make reading one of his deep and continuing needs,is good for him."
~ Richard McKenna

"No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting."
~ Lady M. W. Montague

"It is not enough to simply teach children to read; we have to give them something worth reading. Something that will stretch their imaginations - something that will help them make sense of their own lives and encourage them to reach out toward people whose lives are quite different from their own."
~ Katherine Paterson

"I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves."
~ Anna Quindlen

I’ve dedicated considerable webspace to books for children and adults. The commissions I receive from the sale of books are meager, but that does not diminish the satisfaction I experience whenever someone buys a book for a child or themselves.

Lose Your Self T-Shirt

FROM ROAD RAGE TO ENLIGHTENMENT

Lose Your Self: Be the Traffic Heading the Other Way

Driving home from the pool room the other day, I found myself stuck behind a miserable old goat who was driving an ugly oversized gold-colored boat. Not only was the senile fart dragging his ass, he was constantly brake-checking me, hitting his brakes, flashing his brake lights, even though there was no one in front of him for about a mile. I would’ve passed him if I could, but the section of road we were on didn’t offer any safe passing zones.

As luck would have it, he turned off on the same two-lane side road that I was taking. I knew from past observation that the road immediately presented a wide open passing zone with good visibility, so I slid over into the oncoming lane to pass. Unfortunately, for some reason, the ornery son-of-a-bitch didn’t want to be passed. As I drew even with him, he floored it. Suddenly, we were both doing 55 in a 40 mile per hour zone. Thankfully, my ride had a little more power than his boat and I finally managed to get around him. I thanked him for his cordiality by flipping him the bird.

My driving philosophy is simple. If someone wants to go faster than me, I let them pass. And, if someone’s in my way, I go around them. Hey, in brief, everyone should be able to drive at his own chosen speed. This usually works out pretty well for me, but every once in a while you run into one of these assholes who don’t like to get passed. They’d rather see you smack into a Mack Truck head-on than let you back into traffic.

Florida is the premier spawning ground for road rage. I hate to point my finger at old people as the cause, but, honestly, a lot of them should not be driving. I pulled up at a red light not too long ago and found myself alongside an old guy who had oxygen tubes coming from his nose with his head thrown back at a severe angle and his mouth wide open. He looked like he was at death’s door; yet, he was still driving. You can’t go a mile without some old geezer cutting out in front of you. Their minds are shot as are their reflexes. But, they drive.

Anyway, rather than spending all my time behind the wheel with my nerves on edge and my gut tied in a knot, I’ve developed a technique which allows me to lose my self and go with the flow. It starts by my observation of the traffic coming toward me. I’m sure the dramas that are occurring in front of me conspiring to hold me up are also transpiring in the oncoming lane. Yet, since they don’t directly affect me, they are not a source of tension. At the same time, it occurs to me that to those heading the opposite way I am the traffic heading the other way. As such, that occurring in front of me is meaningless to them as it should be to me. From here, I arrive at a peaceful place.

I’m Just Sayin’ and Sayin’ and Sayin’

Almost overnight, it seems “I’m Just Sayin’” has slipped into our everyday lexicon and this, ya know, leaves me wondering if it’s a phrase I’ve recently picked up or one I’ve always used. Hard to figure.

I find myself employing it more and more, most often when the person I’m talking to, most often my dear wife, takes offense, disagrees or, ya know, somehow responds negatively to something I’m saying.

“Michael Jackson was a pervert.”
“I can’t believe you would say something like that!”
“I’m just sayin’…”

It slips out so naturally that I can’t believe it’s not, ya know, a phrase I’ve been using since… since… since back in the day or, as I prefer, once upon a time. I mean, there are times when I actually think, ya know, that I am responsible for introducing the expression into our vernacular.

I’m just sayin’.

With the help of google, I found out that a sports blog by Danny Picard, a sports writer for Comcast SportsNet New England, is entitled “I’m Just Sayin’.” Similarly, there’s “I'm Just Sayin'! - A Kevin and Bean Show Fan Blog.” Then, there’s “I’m Just Sayin’ Is All” , not to be confused with “I’m Just Sayin’” a personal blog by mom, friend, writer Robyn Passante. Add to these “I’m Just Sayin’” by Ramonassister. There are also a series of blog entries under the heading of “I’m Just Sayin’” at Comic Nexus.

I wondered, ya know, about the origin of the expression and found a lengthy discussion at Pain In The English. Philosophically speaking, it was explored here.

And you might have heard Jon Stewart’s reaction to The CNN segment called “Just Sayin’.”

Not long ago, ya know, during an ESPN interview an athlete peppered his responses with countless repetitions of “know what I’m sayin’?” It’s a word whisker. I’ve decided I like it more than the common “ya know” and pledge to incorporate it into my daily speech patterns.

Know what I’m sayin’?