House Hunters – Home Sweet Home

Staying married for almost 44 years involves more than a little compromising. That’s why I can be found some evenings watching along with my sweeter-half one of her favorite TV shows, House Hunters.

For the uninitiated, House Hunters follows the real-life exploits of a couple or family as they try to buy a house. The show invariably starts off in the buyer's present digs pointing out the dwelling's shortcomings and elaborating on what they are looking for in their new place. Then, a realtor shows them three different places from which they ultimately choose one. That’s the show in a nutshell.

Along the way to hovel happiness, we get to see firsthand the insights and observations of the prospective buyers. Some want yards for their dogs. As if the dogs really care about the place where they lift their legs or squat! Others desire finished basements for their musical pursuits. Recently, a man complained about the narrowness of a bathroom. I couldn’t help wondering aloud, “What’s he want to do in there, practice ballroom dancing?”

And kitchens are very important to some women, and men. Many, nowadays, are disappointed if the countertops are not made of granite and their appliances are not stainless steal. I don’t know what bugs me more, their whining, or their need to keep up with the latest trends. I’ve sold a couple houses and I can tell you that if prospective buyers tried to negotiate the asking price down by citing some perceived shortcoming, I’d simply state “Then this isn’t the house for you. Go look someplace else.”

Another of my wife’s favorite shows involves people who have sold their houses returning sometime later to see what the new owners have done to it. The drama involves the host sharing reactions of the old owners with the new owners. I rate this show a strong Who-the-Hell-Gives-A-Shit. It’s not your house any more! These people can do whatever the hell they want with it.

What I don’t go through for my lady.

3 Hours Earlier: They Surrendered Their Creativity

I don’t know about you, but nothing turns me off quicker than a plot that starts off, seemingly, at a critical moment, and then recedes to an earlier time with a “3 Hours Earlier” tag on the screen. I’ve run into a few of these in the last couple of weeks. Flashbacks, I guess you’d call them. Overused, is how I see them.

C’mon writers, do some research. If one show on any network has used this ploy during the last 9 seasons, then you should opt to refrain from torturing your faithful audience who, most likely, continue to watch your show despite a myriad of other shortcomings. Give us a break.

A little research revealed that the flashback, a.k.a. analepsis, was employed by writers as long ago as the 8th Century B.C. in the Sanskrit epic Mahabharata.

I also found that more recently, in the 1927 book The Bridge of San Luis Rey, the progenitor of the modern disaster epic in literature and film-making, Thornton Wilder takes the victims of a single disaster and intertwines their stories with events leading up to the disaster by means of flashbacks.

So, enough already. If, as a writer, you find yourself typing anything that even narrowly resembles the dreaded “3 Hours Earlier,” immediately hit control + A, then delete. Thus, you will prove yourself to be a true humanitarian.

A Name You Can Trust

Duhhh… Yeah, sure.

The other day we pulled the plug on our TV which had been on life support for the last month. Actually, I thought the problem might have something to do with the cable but, when the cable guy came out, he said in a heartbeat it was the TV – the tuner to be specific.

So, without delay, I headed out to do some shopping. There’s not much I require in a TV. It has to have a port for headphones; it has to have hookups for my VCR; and it has to be less than 32 ½ inches wide so that it will fit in this cabinet we bought at Kmart and my girl subsequently spruced up with paint and various patterned wallpaper. For some reason, she likes the idea of hiding the TV when company comes over. Me? I’d rather keep watching whatever was running before they got here.

Anyway, WalMart had a set that met my meager requirements but, unfortunately, they were out of stock. The kid who waited on me said something about a shipment, but knowing how long it usually takes Wally’s World to restock sold-out items, I figured I better move on. Circuit City was a bust. They had TVs but no employees to sell them. Besides, their prices didn’t seem that good for a company that was about to go tits up.

Next, I hit Best Buy. On my own in the TV section, I quickly found a TV that met my requirements – an Insignia 32” HD Flat screen TV. Insignia – a name you can trust. At least I hope you can trust it; I never heard of it before. The girl at the register talked me into a 4 year protection plan. It sounded good to me until I mentioned it to my wife. “Will they be in business for 4 years?” she asked. Always the pessimist.

Anyway, I didn’t have to bust a gut carrying the new set home. However, I think I got a hernia removing the old one.

My Insignia’s set up and working. Unfortunately, the cable box doesn’t recognize the model, so I have to use two remotes – one for on/off and the volume, the other for switching channels. That’s a burden I think I can handle.