Monday, December 21, 2009

Little Road and Denton: More Fantasy Traffic With Alicia Roberts

Gayle Guyardo: Now, let’s go to Alicia Roberts for a report on this morning’s traffic. How are things moving this morning, Alicia?
Alicia: So far, so good, Gayle. That earlier accident on the Howard Frankland has been cleared and traffic’s moving along two-seventy-five both ways without delay. There seems to be a major build-up up in Pasco on southbound Little Road at the intersection of Little and Denton. For a live report, let’s go to Copter Cal. Cal, I guess we can blame the tie-up on that malfunctioning traffic light we’ve been reporting on for the past several weeks.
Cal: Good morning, Alicia. (whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup) You’re right about the location of the build-up, but I’ve been informed that the traffic light in question is not malfunctioning as we have been reporting.
Alicia: Not malfunctioning? Then, what’s the problem, Cal?
Cal: Well, I was informed via email by Robert W. Reck, Traffic Operations Manager, Pasco County Traffic Operations Division that the traffic light in not malfunctioning. What is malfunctioning is a sensor. I presume he’s referring to a switch that’s triggered when a car rolls over it.
Alicia: Sounds like he’s splitting hairs.
Cal: Yes, Alicia, I’m with you on that. Traffic is being screwed up by something that’s broken. Still, he was adamant about it, so I thought I’d acknowledge his clarification.
Alicia: Well, I’m sure that brings comfort to those southbound drivers who have to sit and wait for the phantom cars that are turning onto westbound Denton.
Cal: (whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup-whup) Do you really think so, Alicia?
Alicia: NOT!
Cal: One more thing, Reck also informed me that the County has a contractor who does their sensor work and that the faulty sensor has been added to his to-do list.
Alicia: Any idea when we can expect a repair?
Cal: No, but with traffic now backed up all the way to 19, I’m sure Pasco’s drivers are hoping it’s real soon.
Alicia: Thanks for the report, Cal. Gayle.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Florida’s US Senate Seat: Vote for Ace

I, Michael J. “Ace” Toscano, am now throwing my hat into the ring for the U.S. Senate seat vacated by the Republican Mel Martinez. I know Governor Charlie Crist is already on record as a candidate for this seat, but, let’s face it, he’s a “politician” and guilty of all the offenses to humanity and common decency that that word implies.

Me? I’m free of all party affiliations, though I must confess that in the last Presidential campaign I contributed to McCain, Hillary Clinton and Ralph Nader. I was trying to hedge my bets and wound up losing anyway. Go figure.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with a whole list of things I stand for, mainly, because I don’t stand for much. I will take care of my friends. You can count on that. This includes facebook friends, myspace friends, high school friends, poolroom friends, people I met in line at the 7-11, and folks like that.

My main focus is going to be on eliminating health-care benefits for all members of the House and Senate. Why should the taxpayers foot the bill for a bunch of ass-wipes who couldn’t care less about the health-care of their constituents? It makes no sense. Let them scramble for health insurance just like everyone else.

Wars? I believe we should send our kids to war only when they are given the opportunity to fight alongside Sasha and Malia Obama, as well as Joseph, Ashley and Robert Biden. Add to that list all the children of all our dear legislators. Otherwise, it’s a no go. I mean, if their snobby children are too precious to go to war, SO ARE YOURS!

My platform is ever-evolving, but my principles are steadfast. I’m going to look out for you. You can bet your ass nobody else will.

BTW, I won’t be on the ballot – that’s too much friggin’ trouble – so you’ll have to write me in. Bring a pen.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tiger Woods: Now, He’s Human

Whoduhthunkit – Tiger’s human. And, come to find out, stupid, too.

Of course, this is no surprise to me since I’ve been trying to convince my friends of this for some time. My contention was and is that Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods was a user of performance enhancing drugs, a/k/a steroids. “No, not Tiger,” my Woods worshipping pals would declare. “He would never cheat!”

Blah blah blah… We all know now that that is not the case – he’ll cheat and he’ll cheat again. What makes it worse, now that we know his first response when confronted with the unflattering truth is to lie, he swore time and time again that he did not use performance enhancers. We have to be skeptical here. Add to this the amazing coincidence that he decided to pull the plug on the 2008 season just one week before regular testing was to be implemented. That “bad knee” business that enabled him to play all year up to that point was a pretty convenient excuse for dropping out of sight and cleaning up those vital fluids.

I know there are a lot of golf fans out there who prefer to think of El Tigre as just another Superman. But, if you ask me, he’s only human.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Genius At Work: Spring Training Countdown

What do Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Copernicus and Galileo have in common… besides the fact that they are all geniuses? That’s right, they come from New Jersey. It must be something in the water supply that makes The Garden State breeding grounds for brainiacs. Even I once boasted an IQ of 165 and I can hardly tie my shoes.

Now, you can add my friend Rob Barth, who grew up drinking that same water, to the list of notable brain children. The head honcho at Barth and Co designs, he is well known for a multitude of musical and artistic ventures. You may remember his recent Parkway Johnny series.

He has, now, made another stride toward immortality. An avid MLB baseball fan, himself, he understands well the plight of other diehards who may suffer bouts of depression once the World Series and the subsequent award announcements bring the baseball season to a dead end. He brings them hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, with a website that can only bring golden sunlight to their darkest hours. This is Rob Barth’s crowning achievement: The Spring Training Countdown. Check it out, now. Bookmark it. Send the link to all your baseball loving friends.